Our baby should be nearly two.

Yesterday was the 2nd birthday of our third baby boy. He was stillborn on 20th May 2011 at 28 weeks gestation.

Coming up to yesterday, I could feel the tension building in me, the weepiness just below the surface and I was not looking forward to this bittersweet anniversary. So I decided to keep our other two boys home from school as a distraction, I wanted some company, selfish perhaps, but he is their brother as well as our 3rd son, so I wanted to talk about him with them, about the what-ifs, and the imagine-ifs....

I didn't want us to hang out at home, because I knew there'd be requests for tv or computer that I wasn't going to capitulate on, so I suggested we go to the museum. I needed to keep busy and distracted and it worked. The day was busy, the boys were delightful and put up with my extra hugs and kisses that I kept bestowing on them. After they were in bed last night I headed off to the local dojo for my cage fitness class, then kept busy till bed time. Then I read my book until I fell asleep.

Phew.

The day is over, past again for another year.

A one year anniversary

The one year anniversary of our stillborn baby passed by without fanfare in May. The day itself was uneventful and I managed to keep it all together, right till the very end of the day. Then just a few tears shed at the unfairness of it all.

We had recently spread Baby L's ashes, on this camping trip. They drifted away on the mighty Goulburn River, in the mid morning light. It is a wonderful place, and the farm will always have bittersweet memories for me.

There seems to be reminders everywhere right now, of what we don't have, I think I always see them but most of the time I ignore them and don't let them bother me. But the husband has been back in hospital having the plate in his shoulder out and going back to the hospital has brought back memories of our totally crappy year last year, which was rounded off by the plate-in-the-shoulder incident.

We're going on a snow weekend soon, with two other families. One family has three young children, the youngest being perhaps 2 years old, and a boy after two girls. The other have a five month old little boy. They're the ones who told me they were pregnant when we were staying at the Mansion last year. I haven't met their baby yet, so that may be an interesting weekend. 

One thing that irritates me is something that people say innocently enough. Seeing as our youngest (middle?) child is starting school next year, more people than I can count say something along the lines of "ooh, how exciting for you, you'll have so much time on your hands next year!" Well yes I will and no, it's not exciting at all. It's just an awful little reminder of what should have been happening next year. 

Want some sad songs?

Ya know those odd days when ya just wanna indulge your weepy mood?

Let me help you out.

And The Band Played Waltzing Matilda

The Pogues

Cat's In The Cradle

Harry Chapin

This one not weepy perhaps, but still...

I Was Only 19

Redgum

Feel free to indulge with me, if ye be in the mood....

Today is another day

Oh my, I was in quite the funk yesterday.

Baby L.T's due date, should he have made it to a full 40 weeks. Thing is, his birth was to have been a scheduled c-section, so technically he would have arrived at least a week ago.
I didn't think the date would affect me all that much, but boo ya, who am I to dictate what my mind is going to do? At the same time as my body gives me a definite 'not pregnant anymore' sign. Yeah, go me.
One of those days where you just want to crawl under a rock and not speak to anyone.

But instead I took the boys out to the farmer's market, then later, up to the school to ride their bikes and play in the massive school sandpit. I got through it and today was a new day.

Ouch

My hubby has a few friends round tonight and one of them quietly told me that his girlfriend is 12 weeks pregnant. He told me privately, before the others arrived and that was such a thoughtful thing for him to do.

I congratulated him, then cried on his shoulder for a minute. I didn't realise it would hurt so much to hear that someone in our circle is pregnant.

I am very happy for them, and yet it makes me cry, knowing that they're expecting a baby.

Life goes on

Another few days spent making stuff, more baking and cooking going on though that's calming down a bit.

My six year old's teacher had her last day teaching yesterday, before she's on maternity leave. Her baby is due six weeks before mine was.

I had bought this fabric to make a baby blanket gift for her a while before we found out about our baby, though I didn't get round to sewing it up right away. After our baby was born, at first I thought I wouldn't sew it up, but then it seemed okay to do.

So I did.

With a few tears, admittedly.

Because it seems like something I should be doing for our baby.

I made these too, to bring on her last day. She has been a lovely teacher and given Mr 6 a great introduction to school.

Life goes on.

Poem

I found this poem today, it fits perfectly right now.

My Stillborn Baby Son
I once had a son who now lives with God above, I never got to know him and I never knew his love, I once had a son whose heart beat close to mine, I never knew his beauty for I never got the time, For my son he was taken before the dawn could break, He's now sleeping in my heart where his share of love he takes. When I see my children who now walk here by my side, There's a sweet image of my son mirrored in their eyes, When I see a rose bud dropped to the ground too soon, It reminds me of my baby who was gone before he bloomed, If God should stand before me and grant me one last wish, I'd wish my baby in my arms to on his head bestow a kiss. I know I have my children who to me are very dear, But there's an empty place within my life for which I shed a tear, So I question God each day as to why he couldn't stay, Why my son was given to me then silently taken away, But I know I have to be patient and wait till I go home, Then within the grounds of God's heavenly home my son and I will roam
by Heather Pauwels of Calvary Chapel Perth

One of those moments

I had one of those moments last night when I just futilely wished that things were different. That things were not what they were right then.

Followed by a feeling of hopelessness that things will ever be 'right' again.

It's not great, knowing that time is the only thing that will lessen that feeling.

And in the rational corner of my mind, I do realise that things will be 'right' again sometime........... just that it will be a slightly different sort of right.

Eventually.

On the kitchen front, I have discovered my 'urge to cook' is more like a' compulsion to cook'. I find myself digging through my recipe folders to find that elusive whatever-it-is recipe that I must make right then.

Since my last post, I have made more broccoli soup, anzac biscuits, graham crackers in teddy bear shapes, a giant pot of butter chicken curry, chocolate syrup, lemon butter and this afternoon I'm set to make some bread sticks and dip, and a huge amount of mini meatballs for the freezer.

The kids don't even like meatballs.

And see what happens when you get distracted for a minute while making chocolate syrup?

Whoops.

The aftermath

Thank you to all those who have given words of support, encouragement and love, in person, as well as through this blog, through emails, cards and phone calls.

While emotionally I'm still up and down, physically I'm doing well. But it seems my body, or maybe my brain, doesn't realise I don't need to nest. Which is what I would have been be doing in these next weeks if our baby was still alive.

The kitchen is my nesting place of choice.

Recently I have made a version of these pizza puffs, bread rolls, my healthier version of chocolate crackles, gingerbread shapes, peppermint patties except I made them with honey and raspberry, cherry bites, a healthier version of cherry bites, broccoli and cashew soup, chicken stock, pizza for dinner, breakfast bars and fruit leather. Tonight I'm going to make raw cream caramels. And the kitchen is always cleaned once I'm finished....not normal.

I'm not eating most of it though, I'm going strict paleo for now. And I can't feed it all to my family at once either, so the freezer is starting to bulge.

Strange. I just have this urge to make food.

Nesting?

Or maybe it's something I'm doing to fill in the baby void.

Got to find a new hobby soon.

Our last goodbye

Today we said goodbye for the last time, and it felt so final. We had a wee service, not even that actually, just a priest there to give a blessing and say a few words. That tiny, white casket is the saddest thing I have ever, ever seen. Something I never thought we'd see in our little family. We each laid a flower on top and Mr 3 a drawing also. It was a drawing of inventions, he said, and he will give it to the postie to bring to baby L.T. in heaven so he could make the inventions.

It was a really tough goodbye. I didn't want to leave the little casket there, I wanted to gather it up in my arms and carry it away. Somewhere. That's my baby in there, my littlest boy.

I miss him so much.

What I imagined...

I had envisaged three little boys going off to Auskick and the under nine's.

Three little boys heading off to cricket on Saturday morning in the summer.

Three boys driving us crazy with their noise and mess.

Three big strapping boys crashing home after school or footy training and rummaging for food.

I saw me being The Queen of the Kitchen, feeding them and their mates really good food. Teenage boys think with their stomachs, don't they? I saw myself teaching them to cook.

Three of them.

Baby

This time last week I was in labour. It seems so hard to believe, it wasn't meant to happen that way at all. I woke up that morning with the slow realisation coming over me that it hadn't all been just an upsetting dream.

Labour was about 7 1/2 hours long, my shortest by a long way. Drug free.....do two panadol count? Baby L.T. was born, with a tiny bit of that 'oh wow' factor I've heard about in regards to a natural, drug free birth. All 320 grams of him. He never took a breath, we didn't expect him to. We spent an hour with him, the midwives took hand prints and footprints for us.

We said our hellos and goodbyes.

We cried.

Life after baby

Had a rough afternoon yesterday, too many tears, cranky at the kids, tired, short tempered. I've still got to get back to doing the school run, which hubby has been doing for me up till now. I dropped off this morning, but managed to escape without really speaking to anyone significant. Got to go back this afternoon. I'm just hanging out with my 3 year old for now and following his lead, he's been a bit neglected of late.

It was one week ago today I found out our baby had no heartbeat.

A week ago tomorrow that I gave birth to him.

My only natural, drug free birth.

My milk came in, but I've managed to keep that under control and it's going away again.

Not sleeping too well, I think my body is waking me up to feed the baby.

We live in a very supportive community, surrounded by many friends, acquaintances and well-wishers, but it's still really hard right now.

Baby

We lost our baby boy last week, stillborn at 28 weeks. I'm not ready to say more than that right now.

Well hello 2011......finally. And........baby news!

Thank you to those who have been enquiring both here and behind the scenes whether I am in fact still alive....

Blogging has been on the backburner for a while now as life has felt just too darn busy, partly due to the fact that we're unexpectedly expecting baby number three.

Yup, number three.

Make that BOY number three.

Eeeek!!

So I'm trying to enjoy the quiet life, or what passes for that in our house, until August when the game is ON.

Recently, the quiet life has included....

A stay at the farm, the farm being the weekend retreat from the mansion.

Yup, terrible hardship that one.

This is the view from one angle...

And from another...

The boys did some of this...

And plenty of this...

A wee spot of this...

A little bit of this....

(that's not me in case you're wondering, that's one of the farm managers)

Had a try out with the machinery....

(Thanks to the other farm manager)

Investigated the tea plantation...

And generally had a fabulously good time inside the homestead as well as out...

Then there was start of prep for Mr 5....

The start of pre school for Mr 3.

Still settling in to this one.

Mr 3's birthday.

Turning 3, obviously.

We are now undertaking a re organisation of the inside of our house and garage, rearranging things to fit in an extra person, albeit, a rather small person.

Not sure if this is just an issue if you have boys, but sports equipment seems to breed in our garage and our seemingly huge collection of footballs, soccer balls, basketballs, tennis balls, golf clubs, cricket bats, t-ball bats, badminton rackets, tennis rackets, scooters, bikes and skateboards has taken over the garage to the point where it's difficult to find a safe path to the rear garage door.

Not to mention mine and hubby's snowboards, from the days when we were footloose and child free....

So, to free up space in what will be the baby's dresser, I need to get Mr 3's clothes out of there and into the wardrobe in his room, where he is with Mr 5.

Which means some of the things in that wardrobe need to be moved to storage in the garage.

Which means the garage needs some major organisation to be able to take aforementioned things AND have anyone find them ever again if needed.

So, guess what we'll be doing over Easter weekend?

Yup, organising the garage and working backwards from there.

Update on this long neglected, half-written post:

We DID organise the place over Easter.

Mr 3 started pre-school, hated it and has since stopped going.

Mr 5 is now Mr 6 and we're gearing up for a birthday party this weekend.

Ok, hopefully more regular blogging will happen from now on.

Life continues!